IT'S HAPPENING

THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

BURGER KING ARE GOING TO DO HOME DELIVERIES.

There comes a time in a person's life when they're at their happiest, when everything is going well for them and nothing can go wrong.   Today is this moment.

This is me right now.



The day has finally come upon us.   Brothers and sisters, how long have we waited for our favourite fast food chains to begin home deliveries!?   It's just Burger King right now, but soon, KFC will want to get in on the action, and then, McDonald's!   Not only McDonald's, but MCDONALD'S BREAKFAST.



I literally can't contain my excitement.   This is like Christmas, Easter, Eid, Hannukah, and every other possible holiday that could excite you.

Time to start saving money so I can order Burger King every day of the week until my blood turns to grease and all I can think is getting my hands on a sexy chicken royale.

Thank you Burger King, you're the best.

I'm Killing Myself

Last night, I found myself staring longingly at the slice of pizza in my hand, the same way a junkie looks upon a needle ready for their next fix.   I knew there was no way I was putting the slice down, I'd already gotten my first fix over 15 years ago, and I saw no end in sight for my addiction.   With trembling hands, I devoured the pizza, laced with the greasiest ingredients known to man, and afterwards, did I feel satisfied?   Absolutely not, I wanted much, much more.

And then it struck me, it could be the next day, month or year, at any given moment, I could die.   Yes, all it takes is a slice, just one slice too far, and just like that, I could overdose.   My neighbour or a concerned friend kicks down my door after weeks of not seeing me, and finds me strewn out over my bed, half eaten slice in one hand, garlic dip in the other.   The mourning comes, and then the anger, questions are raised about how I was allowed to order so much pizza without being flagged as an addict.   The story gathers widespread attention and hits the national press, suddenly, pizza is accepted as the addictive substance that it always has been, rehabs begin to accept pizza addicts, and a new piece of legislation known as 'Harry's Law' comes into practice, banning us from pizzas without medical approval.

Of course, this doesn't have to happen.   I could cut down on pizza, or stop it entirely, but I know the same thing is going to happen to some other poor victim, so I may as well enjoy it while it's still legal.

Pizza, it's better than heroin.

The Most Pointless Family In The World

God, I hate the Kardashians.   The only person I don't hate is Bruce Jenner, because he's done something with his life.   But yeah, the rest of them, oh lord, I absolutely abhor them.   I don't want to jump on that bandwagon of starting my argument by saying "They're only famous because Kim has a sextape", BUT THAT IS TRUE.   I have such an urge to type in caps throughout to express my rage whilst typing this post.   This woman and her surrounding family are worth, as of late 2014, TWO HUNDRED AND SEVEN MILLION DOLLARS.   Just typing the word Kardashian into google generates 220,000,000 results, what a disgrace.

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

AND YOU!   The general public, you make me sick, how many of you have watched Keeping Up With The Kardashians?   You're funding them all, you're despicable.



The Kardashians do not deserve anything, they are an absolute joke.   Please don't come at me saying things like 'Oh, they're smarter than you, look at this empire they've built'.   Pleeeeeaaaaaaasssseee tell me one thing that the Kardashian's have thought of without the help of publicists and marketing advisors.   Actually, I can name one thing, Kim Kardashian is releasing a book with a decade's worth of selfies.   Good work, Kim.

P.S, I still love you Kanye, and you, Scott Disick.